Redneck stuff

[Mike]

This will be my redneck thread since I odnt have a clue about mormon stuff.

10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer.

10. The monitor is on blocks
9. Outgoing faxes has tobacco stains on them
8. The six front keys have rotted out
7. The extra ram ports have truck parts in them
6. The numeric keyboard only goes up to six
5. The password is "bubba"
4. There is a gun rack mounted to on the CPU
3. There is a Bud can in the cup holder ( CD-ROM drive)
2. Keyboard is camouflage
1. The mouse is referred to as "critter"
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[Mike]

A Sex Test for Rednecks



A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False
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[Mike]

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .

. . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
. . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking for."
. . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.
. . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
. . . you call your young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"
. . . you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
. . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.
. . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
. . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
. . . you meditate to old CCR records.
. . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.
. . . you have ever said, "Anger...Fear...Aggression...Yankees...the dark side are they."
. . . your X-Wing has a still in it.
. . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
. . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
. . . your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
. . . you trim your beard and find a Mylock.
. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
. . . you use Jawas for a drink holders.
. . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
. . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
. . . you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
. . . you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
. . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
. . . your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.
. . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
. . . you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
. . . you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
. . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
. . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
. . . your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
. . . you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
. . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
. . . you beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest.
. . . your father's name is Garth Vader.
. . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
. . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.
. . . you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
. . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.
. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer
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[Renvik]

In case you need more graphical illustration on various uses of your lightsaber:
http://electronics.howstuffworks.com/lightsaber5.htm
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[Gnasch]

That list is sooo funny. Its much funnier now than it was before I got married. My wife's family is from Dear Lodge Tennesee in Morgon County and my Mothers family is from Ashville Alabama.

These are all true stories. Honest, I couldnt make these up.

My wifes aunt, visiting the new bank in town decided to use the drive up window. The chute that the shuttle is supposed to go in was open so she stuck all of her paper in, deposit slip and money, then she pushed the button. Problem was there was no shuttle in it, all her money was flapping around in the pipe for over an hour while they tried to flush it out.


My sister in law while visiting, was going somewhere with one of her relatives one night, she noticed that the dash lights didnt work and commented on the fact that it was a new car and why didnt they work. The relative told her that they hadnt worked since she bought it the year before. My sister in law reached over and turned up the dimmer and viola! the lights came on, dumbfounded the car owner just said, hmm, imagine that!

To appreciate this you have to envision this area. Its near the top of a line of hills, or mountains they call them, there are only two or three paved roads entering or leaving the entire area. This bus full of Gypsys as they call them came into town, Wartburg (pronounces Whatburg). The bus is purple and decorated with grafiti, a big bus, school bus size. The gypsies proceed to rob one of the stores in town, then they all jump on the big huge purple bus and .... dissapear. Thats right, up and out. Gone. I know this because we all sat rapt around the police scanner all night listening to the hunt.

How to get along in Deer Lodge Tennesee.(or what AAA doesnt tell you in the travel brochure).

1. They dont care what you do, as long as you do it slowwwwlllyy.

2. Master the one finger wave. That is, waving with one finger of the hand that sits on top of your steering wheel as you pass oncomming traffic. not the whole hand, or two fingers. Just the one, pointed at the proper angle. The one finger wave will get you out of traffic tickets and livestock jams on the highway.

3.Always know the lineage of the people you are staying with. I went to K mart in 'town' to get a tire repaired, all I had was a check book. The guy asked for a credit card and I told him I didnt have it with me. He cocks an eye at me and says, 'Who you stayin with?' I told him Miss Bowmer, he says (keep in mind we are about 60 miles from her house) 'Widow Bowmer up in Deer Lodge?' I said Yes, he says, 'You mean Adelaies sister?' I said yes, he took my check without saying another word and wrote her name on the back.

4. Dont mistake 'Going to Town' as anything but an Event that has to be planned for and anticipated.

5. Fill up your tank at every opportunity, even if its 5 dollars. Just because the sign on the gas station says 'Open at 7am' thats usually just an estimate. The fish might be biting.

6. Always pay cash. You will have your card run through a carbon machine (not electronicly), then they will keep that slip in the drawer until god knows when (usually when your right at your credit limit) until they send it through.

7. Never feed the dog that lives outside. This is not a dog. It looks like a dog, barks like a dog but it is really an employee of the owners. There is a smaller dog that lives inside, it never goes out unescorted because I think the outside dog is a bit jelous and is waiting to pounce on the little dog.

8. When they tell you the milk is fresh, it doesnt mean its a new jug.

9. Never let your kids name the pigs. You might be having one of them for supper.

10. Never ever offer to help the men with the outside chores. No matter how handy you think you are, or how used to physical labor you may be, dont do it. These boys will work you until you have no legs left and thats just before breakfast. 'Move a little hay??? Yea right, I couldnt feel my hands for a week after that.

Things to avoid.
Mucking out the barn. You dont want to know what that is.

Mow the grass. Anything that takes two full sized John Deers and 12 hours is NOT mowing the grass.

Go to the Grainge. This involves standing in a line and passing 50lb sacks down to the waiting trucks. You cant just do yours, you help everyone else load up thier stuff.

Thinking that the livestock is just a real version of the barn in Charlottes Web.

Trucks are not SUV's. Trucks are tools and a way of life.


Oh Brother Where Art Thou is only truly appreciated after you have spent a few weeks in Appalachia.

Of course Detroit aint all that either but thats a whole 'nother list.


Paul

[Tanadil]

LOVE IT!
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[Mike]

LMAO Gnasch...I forgot about the 1 finger wave. they dont do it so much here as they do north of us where my grandparents live. It is something that they teach you as a young child...and they will ask you what the hell you are doing if you use more than 1 finger haha
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