And Now, a liitle about Detroit

[Gnasch]

Rules if you are visiting Detroit (like that happens alot, unless your in training to be an urban commando, or forced here by your employer, theres not a whole lot of tourism.)

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It's Di-troit - NOT Dee-troit. If pronounced Dee-Troit then you must be from Toledo for the country Music hoe-down.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray! There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Detroit. Everyone drives like that.

3. When asking for directions, all directions start with, "What do I look like - the #!#*!!# Triple A?"

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through rush hour traffic on Jefferson as a "Scenic Drive".

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way and then again shot.

7. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot too. (shane-er/grash-ot). (we call it grash it)

8. Construction and renovations on I-94, I-96, I-75 and 275 is a way of life and permanent form of entertainment.(aim at the road crew )

9. All unexplained and unpleasant sights are simplified by the phrase, "I guess we're not in Kansas anymore!"

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect OR can be explained as they are out-of-towners.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.

12. The minimum acceptable speed on 696 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY.

13. The wrought iron on windows in Detroit is NOT ornamental. "DON'T get out of your car"

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says "Keep honking, I'm reloading".

15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving 'because they are so friendly in Detroit'. I would suggest you duck.

16. 275/696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

17. You must go a quarter of a mile out of your way to make a left hand turn.




If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.

If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.



You know you're a true MICHIGANIAN when.............

"Vacation" means going up north on I-75.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

Down South to you means Ohio

A brat is something you eat.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

You go out to fish fry every Friday.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

You drink pop and bake with soda.

Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.

You know what a Yooper is.

You think owning a Honda is un-American.

You know that UP is a place not a direction

You know it's possible to live in a thumb.

You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.


Paul

[Buchalter]